FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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