dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
