You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
