Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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