Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
