apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I could fuck to npr.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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