tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize