Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
