Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
