You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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