apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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