How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
