were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
