Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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