i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
