guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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