If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
