This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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