Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
