I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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