That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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