The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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