Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize