Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
