Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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