I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
