Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
