Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
