Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
