I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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