that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
