Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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