I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
