dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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