Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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