have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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