Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize