she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
