what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
