just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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