we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
