somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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