Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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