I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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