My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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