Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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