she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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