I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
