trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
