you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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