Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's blow job season.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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