Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
