My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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