wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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