Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
