If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
handjob tips. give me some.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
