Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
