I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
too bad you live with your parents still
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
porn star boner night. come get it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize