My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
