I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
