just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
