you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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