Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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