I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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