new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize