I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize